Talking to you
by Coolofthecool
Summary: The characters, write to you. Yadda, Yadda
1. Chapter 1

To, Fanfiction addicts,  
I have never and will never, get together with Captain short.  
It was, a one time thing and I was severely, hormonal.  
-Artemis Fowl II 


	2. Chapter 2

To, You crazy people  
I do not like carrots that much,  
Oh and I am MARRIED.  
-Resident geek boy (P.S I was kidding about the carrots really)


	3. Chapter 3

To, you lunatics  
Trouble Kelp and me is not HAPPENING.  
Pull your minds out of the gutter, it was one date no matter how much Foaly 'ships it'  
-Holly  
 **Hi, I always wanted to do one of these (I am actually, a trub/holly shipper)**


	4. Chapter 4

To, you ignorant idiots  
I AM DEAD I AM NOT COMING BACK,  
tell Major short TO STRAIGHTEN HER UNIFORM.  
Honestly.  
-Root (DEAD ROOT)


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello,  
I am not dead, or secretly in love with Artemis,  
nor is my sister.  
-Butler (I know where you live)


	6. Chapter 6

Hi, People  
Don't listen to Dom, he doesn't know anything,  
I'm totally in love with a teenage kid over four years younger than me.  
-Juliet (that was sarcasm by the way)


	7. Chapter 7

To, you fanfiction people,

You have no basis to pair me with Minerva,

I may have thought she was pretty...but well she has a boyfriend, a snow ape I believe.

Anyway it would be like pairing me with, Juliet, I mean can you imagine what, Butler, would do to me?

-Artemis II


	8. Chapter 8

To, you weird specimens of life,  
I have been informed you do indeed pair me with Juliet.  
Desist at once, or I will tell Butler where to find you.  
-Artemis II


	9. Chapter 9

To, the Mud men  
I am flattered, really I am that you think so much of me,  
But as much as Juliet is attracted to me, I only date woman of my own species.  
Try to stop the tears.  
-The best in the business (Mulch in case you didn't get that)


	10. Chapter 10

To, Fanfiction  
I will, never fall for Butler,  
I will never fall for Artemis, Genii Though we are.  
-Minerva  
P.S Stop messing with our names, just because both our names are ancient, Goddesses, does not give you the ability to mess with them.


	11. Chapter 11

To Minerva,  
Yes, my name might be of feminine origin, but I have more than lived up to it.  
So stop your jabs at my name.  
\- Artemis II  
 **I am not Eoin Colfer**


	12. Chapter 12

Hi,  
I am not secretly some macho man.  
Although I did fight the mud mountain.  
I am also one hundred percent, NOT in love with Vinyaya (She's dead)  
-Grub  
P.S I'm telling mummy, about the coffee Trub. 


	13. Chapter 13

To, whom it may concern,  
First off, Holly well...have you seen Foaly's blog?  
I think you should check that out.  
-Trouble Kelp  
P.S Grub I don't care, and it's Commander Kelp to you.


	14. Chapter 14

To, Foaly  
YOU ARE DEAD, DONKEY BOY.  
-Holly


	15. Chapter 15

To, you insignificant beings,  
I hate you, all how could you love that idiotic mud boy more than ME?  
Oh and P.S I will never fall in love with one or both of the Brill brothers.  
They are beneath me.  
-Her royal highness Opal


	16. Chapter 16

To, the humans  
I am quite interested by this fan fiction.  
Have all these things happened?  
-N1


	17. Chapter 17

To, The kindest elf ever,  
Please don't kill me, I have a wife and a nephew who loves me...kind of,  
It isn't my fault that you and, Commander Kelp, go so well together.  
-Please don't kill me


	18. Chapter 18

To, that STUPID donkey,  
Take it down NOW!  
We do not go well together.  
-Soon to be Murderess


	19. Chapter 19

To, the Fanfictioners  
Due, to a technical difficulty,  
Foaly will not be able to send messages for a while.  
-Mayne (save the unicorns!)


	20. Chapter 20

Hi, PeOpLEs  
YoU R rikohikgg Aren't doing it right.  
There that's better, any way, we would like, to express our annoyance,  
at the fact that we don't have Character slots.  
"What's a character slot?"  
"I don't know? Hey keep typing!"  
-Chips and Pecs (Written by the soon to be dead Monkey)


	21. Chapter 21

To, You mistaken idiotic people of the world,  
I am not an idiot, you however are most likely.  
So I shall set something straight, I am not afraid of thunder storms.  
-Myles Fowl


	22. Chapter 22

To, Holly and whoever else,  
Ouch, I thought we worked well together...well not as well as Foaly seemed to think, ugh.  
Speaking of which what have you done to him? He does work for me you know.  
-Trouble 


	23. Chapter 23

TO, YOU IMBECILES!  
How dare you, pair me with her royal, stupid, bimboness herself,

I would rather, Trouble Kelp, than Lilli frond

D'arvit to you.

-Holly short


	24. Chapter 24

To Holly,  
I resent that, I am not a bimbo.  
-Lilli


	25. Chapter 25

To Lili,  
You will always be a bimbo in my eyes,  
To Folly,  
How many carrots will it take to get those Fan fictions,  
DOWN!  
-Holly


	26. Chapter 26

To, Holly  
I am NOT a bimbo and for once these stories are making me seem...  
Not like a bimbo, so...  
To, Folly I have more carrots then her and information on...  
Trolly, or Hobble so you better leave them up.  
-Lili Frond


	27. Chapter 27

To Holly and Lili,  
Do not drag me into this, as your superior commander I command you to stop this.  
Immediately.  
What kind of ship name is Hobble? and Trolly seriously that rhymes with Foaly.  
I mean at least at least holi sounds ok. ;)  
-Trouble


	28. Chapter 28

To, Trouble  
You have succeeded in making me throw up,  
me and Lilli is not going to happen ever.  
I'd rather be with _you_.  
-Holly  
P.S I think I just threw up again


	29. Chapter 29

To, Trouble  
I know where you live.  
I will tell Holly and you will die slowly.  
Sincerely, Lili


	30. Chapter 30

To, My Fanfic peeps,  
I finally got Holly to admit that she would rather be with Trouble. True it was instead of _Lili_ but whatever.  
So go check out my website now.  
-Anonymous so she doesn't maime me again  
P.S It's fanfiction anything goes, so won't be taking it down.

P.P.S thanks for the carrots ;)


	31. Chapter 31

To, fanfic people  
I thought Holly hated Lili?  
She has done some rather disturbing things hasn't she?  
When did we get together? I don't remember that.  
-N1


	32. Chapter 32

To, N1  
Fanfiction is FALSE, I never got with Lili or Trouble or even Artemis.  
Please disregard everything you have read.  
Nor did I get together with Butler, Mulch, Juliet, Grub, _you,_ or Root (whose dead).  
-Holly  
P.S you might want to go see Foaly he's not looking to good.


	33. Chapter 33

To Foaly and Lili  
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
I JUST FOUND THE BEST THING EVER!  
and Foaly your going to ha-Love it.  
-Holly  
P.S I never thought you'd stoop so low Foaly.


	34. Chapter 34

To whom it may concern,  
I know I was possessed by an evil fairy.  
I am not an Idiot, My husband is not an idiot either.  
Just because Butler knows more than Artemis I; doesn't mean I would cheat on my husband.  
Ever.  
Angeline Fowl 


	35. Chapter 35

To, everyone on fanfiction  
I was NEVER in love with Root.  
-Vinyaya


	36. Chapter 36

To Holly,  
Getting Artemis to upload that frankly, Despicable 'smut' story.  
Is NOT an acceptable way of payback, and if you do it again I will be forced to fire you.  
-Trouble Kelp (but Commander to you.)  
P.S Foaly says "At least Fili is a better ship name then Hili. Oh and I'm MARRIED just so you know" So yeah Apologize.  
P.P.S Artemis II, I will be having a discussion with your mother, I'm sure she'd love to know what kind of stuff her son has been reading.


	37. Chapter 37

To Foaly,  
I HATE YOU!  
With unconstrained voluminousness, see how you made me use exclamation marks.  
If you do not rewire my phone I will Tell your wife about... _it_.


	38. Chapter 38

To Artemis II  
Admit you were WRONG to help, Holly, in her mission of 'Revenge'.  
Then admit that I am the superior techno geek.  
Foaly  
P.S Caballine must never find out about _it_.


	39. Chapter 39

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,  
Techno geek or not you must have over looked the fact that I can READ!  
What is _IT_? What did you do to Artemis' phone?  
YOU ARE SO DEAD IF YOU DON"T ANSWER DONKEY BOY!  
-Cabilline


	40. Chapter 40

To Cabilline,  
FOALYBLACKMAILFILE/PDF  
I have attached It. Also that geeky centaur re wired my phone so every time I text my mother or Juliet...  
One of those despicable smut stories pop up.  
\- Artemis II  
P.S Maybe I shouldn't have helped Holly send that to every screen in Haven and Atlantis. 


	41. Chapter 41

To Foaly,  
hahahahahahahahahah...you look horrible when you get drunk.  
Trust me you are not to sexy for your shirt.  
-Cabilline


	42. Chapter 42

To the readers,  
I am not going to fall madly in love with MULCH!  
sure we work together now, but he tried to EAT ME!  
Get it through your heads.  
-Doodah day


	43. Chapter 43

To you crazy hooligans,  
I am a girl.  
I may like sparkles, but I will not hesitate to beat the crap out of you.  
So stop making me into a girly girl who can't break a nail.  
-Juliet


	44. Chapter 44

I know, I know I'm irresistible.  
Everyone knows it's true.  
BUT I WOULD NEVER marry a dwarf that utterly pathetic so please stop pairing me up with your OC's  
Sincerely (not really but hey if it gives me points with the ladies)  
-Mulch ;)


	45. Chapter 45

I wouldn't get with the stinky little dwarf why would I ever get with his equally repulsive partner?  
Seriously what kind of name is Doodah Day? It sounds like something a two year old would say like honestly  
"agoo ga doodah dayda"  
Honestly you people need to get lives

-Juliet butler to you

P.S Mulch I know you and your dwarfs are meant to be on the straight and narrow but I have a job for you.


	46. Chapter 46

He is almost as brilliant as me I suppose./p  
 _ **Opal you were locked in a cell in Atlantis with no magic for agesssssssss**_  
Yeah then I escaped again (duh).  
 _ **Yeah well you're dead now and we were discussing the disgusting factor of the pairing...remember?**_  
No I forgot gosh Foaly and who says Artemis has a monopoly on clone growing sheesh.  
 _ **We watched you die, You are dead Opal because you couldn't keep your mouth shut.**_  
Sure.  
Anyway I am in no way associated with Donkey boy see you later, Tell the mud boy he should watch his back.  
"(But you won't see me teeheehee,)  
Opal and _ **Foaly (Who is married and seriously concerned)**_


	47. Chapter 47

I am a trainer not a grandmother, Whether or not my age is advanced.  
I whip lazy young butlers into shape not mother them.  
I am no wimp who do you think I am Yoda?  
No, so shut up and do ninety push ups now.  
-Madame Ko


End file.
